I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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