i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
