omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
