I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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