Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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