closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Randomize
