walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
