Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
