Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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