if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
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