You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
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I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
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We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits