You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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