we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
