if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
