Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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