I'll bet she douches with gravy.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
