Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
