She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
