I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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