On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
