Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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