my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
