got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
