oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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