Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
