Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
