Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
