My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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