i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
