trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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