i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
