I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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