**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
