All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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