so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just saw a hot homeless man
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just googled if crying burns calories
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
