I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
