girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
