if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
