i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
