i jhust puked up my retainher.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
