Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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