we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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