You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
