Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
