EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
