The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
