My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
