She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
