We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
