sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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