I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
