tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain