i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.