i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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