I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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