I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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