.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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