the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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