I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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