Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
